i have been having a series of epiphanies lately. i dont know if thats good or bad; it just is. I have come to the conclusion that i create smoke screens and go after other ventures and different men because of my undeniable fear of the man i really want. fear can stop the bravest warrior in their tracks. i keep oscalating between telling this man how i feel and keeping my emotions  to myself for fear of rejection. if i were brave this is what i would have the courage to say to him:

Superman,

I value your presence in my life greatly. We have been a part of each other's lives for a very long time. You've helped me through some tough times and I like to think that I've helped you get through some hard times as well. You're more important to me than I could possibly show you. I try my best but I'm almost positive the sense of urgency, the strong need to have you, couldn't be demonstrated with mere words.

Lately I've been feeling at a loss for words behind the way you make me feel. Up until a few days ago I couldn't quite put my finger on it but now I know what it is. Simply put, I love you. I know I  tell you on occassion and you return the favor, but I'm not entirely certain you know what I mean when I tell you that I love you.

I love you means that I think about you constantly. I wonder how you are doing, where you are, and if you're alright. I means that I worry about you even when there is nothing wrong, I'm just all around concerned for your well-being. I sleep well and rest easily whenever you wish that for me. Your presence always makes me feel better. Sometimes you don't even have to fysikally be in the room; the memory of your presence is enough to ameliorate my mood. I smile from my spirit whenever I'm near you. I seldom get mad at you and whenever I do it's short lived because I look into your eyes and can't seem to remember what I was upset about in the first place.

I used to wish with all my might that you would love me. I used to not be able to tell whether or not you did or how much. Now I know for sure that you do. I don't question it anymore because I can feel it. I feel like I hurt you when I was in my relationship, not because I was trying to be happy, but because I removed myself from your life, for the most part. I never meant to hurt you, I just wanted to be loved and happy. I didn't realize that I was being loved exactly where I was. I had this preconceived notion that Love comes in this ordinary little package that is easily recognizable. I couldn't have been more wrong. You are love. Love is you.

I am afraid of you. I fear you because I love you. You see me, sometimes more clearly than i see myself. You always seem to know what I stand in need of. You are supportive of my dreams and goals and encourage me. You even get excited for me when i reach my goals, telling me that you always knew I could do whatever I set my mind to. All of these things are much appreciated and petrifying. You have the ability to elicit this wave of calm. Whenever we're together all of the outside world seems to disappear. Whatever was hurting me or making me upset or angry is left at the door and my spirit becomes at ease. I miss you whenever we're apart and would probably miss you if I never even met you.

Sometimes I pretend that I'm your woman and you're my man. When I get home at night you're already there waiting on me or you would arrive home soon thereafter. We'd have dinner together and cuddle up on the couch until it were time to call it a night. When that time came i wouldn't have to go to sleep alone anymore, you would be right there beside me. Your face would be the last I'd see every night, your voice the first I would hear everyday. I just want to be wherever you are. Allure to my senses. Dwayne Wayne to my Whitley Gilbert. Superman to my Wonder Woman. Body guard to my Amazon.

Whenever I try to tell you my voice just gets caught in the wind and somehow never makes it to your ears. I tried again a couple of days ago. I said that I wanted you for Christmas. What I should've said is that I want you, period. Even if it's just for one minute, if that's all that's left of you, thats what I want.

I'm sure the magnatude of everything i've said  has hit you hard. Some of my words my shock you, others will just confirm what you've always felt radiating from me.I just know that if I don't express how I really feel that I will regret it.

I pretend to be ok with playing the field out of fear of admitting how it is I really feel. The truth of the matter is that I would gladly commit myself to you if you wanted to commit yourself to me. Much like I felt before, I don't know if you would commit yourself to me if I asked for it.The fear of your rejection is paralizing. I feel like I will always wonder about all the "what ifs" of love and life if I never tell you how i feel so I'm telling you now. Right here in black and white. I love you, I need you, I want you.


Wonder Woman


himi don't know if its even possible to look someone in the eye and say all of these things. If I could I would've done so already. i would put this in the mail to him right now if I thought it would reach his heart any quicker. I'm still deathly afraid of making my feelings known. Maybe I will tell him, one day...
 

I am trying to get my mind together but right now my mind and heart are speaking two different languages. Who knew being bilingual could be so painful...

There is love and being in love. I did not fall in love, I'm just there. I live and breath it everyday. Always on my mind, carried in my spirit, the man that I adore. But lately this roller coaster, called life, that he and I are on has me nauseous. So I decided to throw caution to the wind and try another ride. Something more mellow, designed with me in mind. And I had a ball.

Good company, and good food turned my day at the fair into just what I needed. I needed for someone to take an active interest in what was going on in my life. I needed someone to check on me and make sure I was ok. And I needed a cheerleader. I found these things in the man I love, not the man I'm in love with. And it hurts. It stings so badly that tears well up in my eyes just thinking about it.

I want the man I'm in love with to be my biggest fan. But this weekend it was the man I love, Superman that came to my rescue. Loving him is, an interesting process. I've gone from love to hate back to love. And through all those changes he's been there. It's hard to explain the nature of our relationship and I no longer care to try. All I know is that today I needed rescuing and it was Superman, not Clark Kent that came to the rescue.

Dec. 2007

 

Question Existing~Rihanna
Take off my shirt, loosen the buttons and undo my skirt
Stare at myself in the mirror
Take me apart, piece by piece
Sorrow decrease, pressure release

I put in work
Did more than called upon, more than deserved
When it was over, did I wind up hurt?
Yes, but it taught me, before a decision, ask this question first

Who am I living for?
Is this my limit? Can I endure some more?
Chances are given, question existing
Who am I living for?
Is this my limit? Can I endure some more?
Chances are given, question existing

I don't know what it is that makes it so hard to let go. this is getting a bit ridiculous. i just want to be able to breath. i feel like everywhere i turn there you are. you're so inundated in my family that even though we aren't together anymore i still get asked about you. people still assume that we're together or on really good terms. truth be told we just got back on good terms. all i really want is some peace. of mind. of body. and of spirit.

I haven't been taking good enough care of myself and that needs to change. I'm wearing myself into the ground for everyone else but not doing what i want to do for myself. that is absolutely absurd. this week i finally started taking time out for myself and doing what i wanted to do and it feels great.

Today i decided to throw myself an independence party and only a select few will  be invited. the gift i am giving myself is one that is very intimate and will not be shared with many. some will judge or make assumptions based on my gift, but that's their personal hangup. I am just fine with my new journey of self-discovery and self-exploration. If i don't please myself then who will? Who really cares more about me than they do themselves? See my list has been quite long, that list of people i would put before myself on a daily, when I should've been at the top of my list. How crazy is that?! I'm positive that i don't top anyone else's list. But how could I not top my own? Yes. Changes are in order. For the good of my mental stability. For the good of my health. and for the good of the world because if I keep getting the Heisman or crapped on at will by any and everyone because they feel like they can...then the world will be in a lot of hurt when i finally do explode. I haven't done so yet. But I will soon if I don't make some changes.

Ways to keep the world intact:

• I have decided to take out some "me" time everyday. I don't care if its 20 minutes to sit down and write or read. i don't care what it is but something needs to be done

• Dating myself. So just because I'm not in a romantic relationship I'm supposed to sit around at home all the time until I get a significant other? That line of thinking is played out and I won't give in to it anymore. So if it means that I date myself and take myself out then so be it. If it means that I hang out with friends then that's what i'll do. No more sitting around doing nothing.

• Accentuating the positive. everyone has their ups and downs but rather than focusing on the downs I plan to focus on the positives. its so necessary.
  

• I always come first. If I don't want to do it, it's no longer going to get done. I'm looking out for me becuz the list of people who are truly watching my back is quite limited. It is what it is, no beef, I'm just not going to over extend myself anymore

• Standards. setting and keeping standards can be a very daunting task but it's one that I am going to take on head first. I can't stand wishy washy attitudes or goals in life. everyone is here for a purpose. fulfill your purpose and keep it moving. I no longer want people in my life that are just there. Do something. Don't just stand around taking up space. Actually serve a purpose, Sincerely Management
  

you ever have one of those days with one of those moods that you just couldn't explain?the day isn't good or bad, it just is and you just are.

ever have that one person that looks at you and it feels like they can see everything about you, from your head all the way down to your toes?that person who, somedays, knows you better than you know yourself. the one who knows exactly what kind of mood you're in based on one sentence on the im or the way you say hello on the telephone? well they say that everyone has one person who knows them inside and out. me, i've got two. i'm doubly lucky. it's twice as hard to hide away when i don't know how i'm feeling or keep my emotionz to myself when the situation calls for it.

just when i'm happily tooling along thru life, or unhappily tooling along but am just too oblivious to notice or to care, someone picks up this big etch-e-sketch, called life, shakes it up, and erases my picture.well that person that knows me well, has been playing with my etch-e-sketch for a while now and today, quite possibly for purely entertainment purposes, he picked up the etch-e-sketch and modified the picture. thankfully he didn't erase the picture,this time; i've had to start over more times than i care to remember or can even count. makes me wonder what his motivation was to change my picture today. i kno it started out a lil bit fuzzy today but fuzzy is better than gone altogether

Come Home ~One Republic
Hello world .Hope you're listening.Forgive me if I'm young.For speaking out of turn.There's someone I've been missing .I think that they could be .The better half of me .They're in their own place trying to make it right.But I'm tired of justifying.So i say you'll.Come home.Come home.Cause.I've been waiting for you.For so long .For so long.And right now there's a war between.the vanities.But all i see is you and me.The fight for you is all I've ever known.So come home

i feel like the piece of me that's missing is the part of me that left when you went away. well you didn't really go away. u've always been just around the corner. but since you left my life in your emotional position of stature. i feel like i'm getting back to where I need to be for me. doing for myself. taking care of myself. and i need to keep moving forward, i can't sacrifice myself on the alter of your ego, worshiping at the temple of your desires anymore

Sideways~Citizen Cope
You know it ain't easy.For these thoughts here to leave me.There's no words to describe it.In French or in English.Well, diamonds they fade.And flowers they bloom.And I'm telling you.These feelings won't go away.They've been knockin' me sideways.They've been knockin' me out lately.Whenever you come around me.These feelings won't go away .They've been knockin' me sideways.I keep thinking in a moment that.Time will take them away.But these feelings won't go away

try as i may. u just won't go away. i can't escape you in the day nor the night. these thoughts. these emotionz. these feelings won't go away. it feels like you're determined to make them stay. the thing is. i don't know what remains. somedays i am overwhelmed with emotion. others i can't verbalize or formulate thoughts whenever you're around. fysikally or expressly. u permeate my subconscious in the early morning hours. tossing and turning in my mind makes my body flop about and my stomach tie in knots. these feelings won't go away. they've been knockin' me sideways.

Chasing Pavements~Adele
I've made up my mind.Don't need to think it over.If I'm wrong, I am right.Don't need to look no further.This ain't lust.I know this is love.But, if I tell the world.I'll never say enough,Cuz it was not said to you.And that's exactly what I need to do.If I end up with you.Should I give up.Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?.Even if it leads nowhere.Or would it be a waste.Even if I knew my place.Should I leave it there.Should I give up.Or should I just keep chasin' pavements.Even if it leads nowhere

i was so sure that this was it for me. my prince had come. i was finally in the right place at the right time then the foundation got a crack and it was all down hill from there. i spent the next two years chasin' pavements. it just didn't feel right. no matter how intense the feelings were. i was feeling them alone but i continued to run thinking that i would be able to catch up to the way that things used to feel. i finally quit chasing that pipe dream. turns out i was chasin my own shadow and reflection. the place where love should've been was the place where it was lacking. love starts at home. i fell out of love with myself becuz of all of the things i was doing and pieces of me i sacrificed to be loved. i'm out of breath and can't continue the chase. love knocked me down but i'm not out.

F-stop Blues~Jack Johnson
Look who's laughing now that you've wasted.How many years and you've barely even tasted.Anything remotely close to.Everything you've boasted about.Look who's crying now

Bottle It up~Sara Bareilles
I know that it's your soul but could you bottle it up and.Get down to the heart of it.No it's my heart you're shit out of your luck.Don't make me tell you again my love love love love.
Love love love love.I am aiming to be somebody this somebody trusts.With her delicate soul
I don't claim to know much except soon as you start.To make room for the parts.That aren't you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of.Love love love love.Love Love love love

i must make amends with myself for the way i have treated me. yes you ultimately treated me in ways that i didnt care for. but i didn't stop the pain as it was washing over me in icy cold waves that stung as though i had been smacked across the face with lightening speed. i've painted my heart black by not reassuring myself that i was special and worth a reciprocal love every day that i have walked on this earth. if i don't appreciate, love and protect myself how can i possibly expect anyone else to be that way, especially with my heart and my emotionz

Here Is Gone~Goo Goo Dolls

You and I got something/But it's all and then it's nothing to me/Yeah/And I got my defenses/When it comes to your intentions for me/Yeah/And we wake up in the breakdown/Of the things we never thought we could be/Yeah/'m not the one who broke you
/'I'm not the one you should fear/What do you got to move you darling/I thought I lost you somewhere/But you were never really ever there at all/And I want to get free, talk to me/I can feel you falling/And I wanted to be all you need/Somehow here is gone

Apologize

 

Its my fault

that I couldn't be every where

or attend everything

because I had to work

Who could blame you

for being upset

that I gave my last dollar

so you could eat

even if it meant

that I would go hungry?
How could you possibly

not be offended

that I would sacrifice

sleep and my health

just to spend some extra time

with you?

I take full responsibility

for leaving my sick bed

to solve your problems
Unable to breathe

but standing by your side

holding you up

I am the reason you were stressed
I literally made you sick
I took life from you
I took joy from you
I took your spirit and painted it black

My soul was gone and my spirit burned

so I  tried to take yours for my own
And of course my going out

and working twice as hard

to support the both of us

must’ve been done in an attempt

to emasculate you

not because I wanted to be there for you

while you handled your business

 

I must’ve made you cry on a daily

To doubt your self-worth

Or importance in my life

To push you to the brink of insanity

Because I never showed you

how much you meant to me

I just told you and expected

That would be enough

 

I have no choice

But beg your forgiveness

And ask you to trust me

With your heart again

I know that I’ve smashed it into a million pieces

That you have to pick up

Piece by piece and re-attach them with crazy glue

But, You should still love me

Exactly the same

With the same passion and intensity

As before because

This is me

 

I apologized,

Wasn’t that good enough?

What happened to me being the exception to the rule?

I’m still exceptional

I’m exactly the person I used to be

You know you still love me

You’ll never leave me

You’re nothing without me…

 

Wait,

You call this an apology?

You ever read something that was so unbelievablely sad that it made your eyes well up with tears?

I learn so much from reading the thougts of others. Young or old, big or small, we all worry about something. There is always "something" wrong with someone, some of us just hide it better than others but we all wear a mask.

It's too dangerous to take it down, there are too many people that wait for others to take off their cool so that they can capitalize on it...

Sadness
I'm thinking
you rule the world
with an iron fist
and a cloud of gray
constantly raining down
on the joyous and content
to wash away their easy going nature
and darken their spirit

Sadness
I'm thinking
you thrust yourself
forward to discourage
engulf and cage
the spirit of a fighter
until nothing remains
but a lonely empty
shell

Sadness
I'm thinking
that your search
for new candidates
to receive the gift
of discouragement
knows no age
breaking the spirit of the young
confirming the cynicism of the old

Sadness
I'm thinking
you enjoy being
the grim reaper
of emotionz
that nothing
makes you happier
than pain and strife

Sadness
I'm wishing
that your blows
wouldn't come so hard
wouldn't come so fast
wouldn't crush my sternum
causing my heart to implode

Sadness
I'm wishing
that I didn't walk the streets
and see your talents
displayed in the eyes of many
or see your handy-work
in the form of hunched shoulders
that heave heavily as sobs escape
tear stained faces

Sadness
I'm wishing
that the sounds of comfort
laughter
and the pictures of encouragement
smiles
are enough
for your dire extinction

Sadness
I'm thinking
I'm done being sad
because of you

You are Love(ed)

Every time you depart
there is a pain stricken sadness that
overwhelms my being
I travel back in time
where I was yours
and you were mine
when moments in love
was the sweetest sound on earth
and your face
brought a smile to my eyes
the peace and tranquility
that you bring
to my spirit
is unrivaled
by any other force in nature
you make my soul smile
my spirit sing and
my heart sigh
your voice narrates
the most intricate
part of my life
A Love Story
A time of innocence and bliss
where two blended to one
so perfectly
that it HAD to be too good to be true
because fairy tales don’t really come true    
and neither do fantasies
as time passes
your voice fades
the sweetness disappears
and I am brought back
to a harsh reality
where you are hers
and I am his
“I used to love her�
is more than a trendsetter of hip-hop
it’s the way I’ve felt for you
now I realize the past isn’t the past anymore
and I don’t used to love you
I still do
more than I should
right or wrong
its still incredibly strong
I desire you
you are the love of my life
and the one I wanted to grow old with
I see now
that I’m an addict
for your love
you’re like a drug
you come around and make everything alright
I should keep my distance and detox
I get to step three
and turn around
and run back towards
You
because I don’t want to lose
the incredible feeling
I feel when I’m with you
I want to travel backwards
and experience You all over again
I want to tell you how much I love you
I know you feel this energy
radiating from my aura
I wonder what you would do or say
If I told you that I love you
Would you push me away?
or would you cuddle up to the idea
of revisiting the days you used to live for?
is it fate that brought us together or merely coincidence?
Are you my soulmate or just my first love?
You love me from the heart and soul
you are a part of me
you’re my air when I can’t breathe

Complicated melody….

 

Man I thought I was in a place where it didn’t matter what you said to me…I didn’t want you, didn’t need you, and if we never spoke again I would be good. I got to a point where I was observing military silence. I didn’t speak your name and I didn’t want to hear your name.

 

Then I got to a point where I was no longer bothered. It no longer irritated me to hear your name and I felt like I could talk to you again. Truth is, I missed your voice. I would call on occasion but for the most part, I would hit you on the IM. Instant messenger was safer. I felt like I could say more, like it was safe, and if I got to a point where I didn’t want to talk anymore, I had several easy outs.  

 

But then I decided to shoot myself in the foot and I hit you up last night. On the surface that’s not really a bad idea. We’ve talked since our “saga”. We’ve talked a bunch of times actually but we haven’t talked like this. This was different, and it was my fault. I decided that I wanted to make sure I had closure on all matters of the heart that don’t involve my baby. I thought I was done with you but I needed to make absolutely sure that no feelings still existed in my heart with your name on it. Complicated Melody. You would think that I would know that letting go of romantic inclinations for the one they call the truth would be an extremely hard thing to do.

 

I just had to ask. Needed but more so wanted to know if you had feelings for me. I don’t know why people insist on asking question that they already know the answer to. I knew you had feelings for me, so why did I ask that question? Maybe I wanted to believe that you had feelings for me. Maybe I needed to actually hear you say it because your actions and reactions to me were so inconsistent that I was in a constant state of confusion. I didn’t get it then but I think I get it now.

 

Re-cap. I liked you, you liked me. We were both afraid of what might happen but I decided that I was tired of missing out on the men that I wanted in my life and I came at you; HARD. Maybe that aided your fear of exploration and made it easier to run and hide. I may never know what really happened in your mind. What I do know is that I made you shy, and I also turned you on all in the same breath. I know that we were intrigued by one another and that we enjoyed spending time together. I know that I used to want to feel your touch more than almost anything…and you had no clue just how much.

 

So you answered my question with ease…yes you did have feelings for me. Then we proceed to talk about things a bit more in depth and you tell me that you were looking out for me. That you wanted to save me from you. That you liked me but you knew yourself and you knew eventually you would go back to being self-involved and hurt me. Well honestly speaking, I got hurt either way. I never put myself out there with anyone as much as I did with you. Never pursued anyone the way that I pursued you. I wanted you and couldn’t seem to get past that. Wrote countless poems, all about you, the way you made me feel, and I what I wanted to do to/with you.

 

Then you did something that surprised me; you told me that u missed kissing me. I couldn’t believe what I had read. The man who used to practically run from kissing me, and have an internal battle every time we were alone together, agonizing over whether or not to kiss me, actually missed my lips? I must be in the twilight zone now. But wait, if you miss kissing me, can you say that you did have feelings for me? It seems to me that if you miss kissing me, that you’re having feelings for me is more of a current affair than a thing of the past. It took me a moment to get my mind around this and figure out how I feel about it. Truthfully, I wanted you to want me. Hearing you say the words, used to be music to my ears. Knowing that you wanted me and never having you, was torture. So then I asked myself, if I were single how this would have affected me? I came to the conclusion that if I were single I probably would’ve tried to convince you to explore those feelings. Covertly ofcourse. I couldn’t just come right out and say well then we should get it poppin. It might make you laugh but it wouldn’t get me any closer to where I would’ve wanted to be. Delving further into conversation uncovered the fact that we both would’ve wanted to date each other. Making the way we felt so much more than a fysikal thing. I knew it wasn’t just me. I knew that what I felt for you was definitely mutual. My feelings ran deep.

 

But then I had to come back to reality because while it would be nice to dream as a single woman, I’m not a single woman. For someone like me, who absolutely loves kissing, I can hardly remember what kissing your lips felt like. When we were in the moment, and while I was healing, I could remember what faces you would make when you were trying to run from me and the soft and sweetness of your lips. But last night, I couldn’t remember any of it/ My vivid imagination was shooting out polaroids of white pictures. Faceless. For a lil while I tried to remember what it was like craving you. Then it hit me. The reason that I can’t remember what it feels like to kiss you lips or imagine your touch is because I am kissed on a regular basis with enough passion and electricity that makes the connection that you and I had seem like a power outage. I am in love, with a man who lights me on fire. My love for him has greatly overshadowed the love that I’ve ever had for any other man. Not only that, but it far surpassed the level of passion that I have exhibited for men in my past.

 

Simply put I’m crazy about him. At the time I was crazy about you. The two are on totally different levels. I wanted to know you deeper. To experience new things. To step outside of my box. All of those things would’ve happened if I had wound up with you. But one thing wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have fallen in love. We probably wouldn’t have lasted for very long and then I really would’ve lost a friend. Now that I’ve talked to you about all of this, I probably won’t ever need to have that conversation again. I got what I needed. To be truly free of and done with our saga; now I am.

 

If we so desired I really could just sit in the same room and be your friend. I wouldn’t want to kiss you or desire your hands on my body like I used to. I might even wind up looking at you like a brother. And that to me is wild. I used to want you so badly that on any given day I would’ve given it to you any way you wanted it, without thinking twice. Now I can’t even remember what it felt like to think of you that way. I can remember that you’re cute when you smile because your dimple shows. I can remember how you used to tackle me rather than say goodbye. And I can remember what it feels like to be in your arms. All in all I’d say that it was all worth it. I got to see a side of you that isn’t often seen. I got to spend time around a truly unique individual. And, I learned how to care for someone, with everything that was in me, again. In a way I kinda need to thank you. To thank you for making me vulnerable. Thank you for making me feel something for someone again. After my first love broke my heart I turned a little cold. So thank you, for helping me along the way, to falling in love with my baby. I know it sounds weird but that’s the best way I can put together what is going on in my mind right now. U made it easier for me to let him love me. And for that I’m eternally grateful.

My first love

Talking to you this past week has done me some good. I am glad that we were finally able to take the time and have our conversation. It was good for us both to get out exactly how we feel for one another and why things played out the way that they did. It used to bother me when you'd tell me you loved me. I know what it used to mean when you used to say it and how it used to make me feel. But things have changed and u changed it, so I didn't understand how you could still tell me that you love me. I understand a lil bit better after our conversation. I knew things weren't going to work out between you and me. I knew it just as i knew i loved you and there was nothing I could do about it. I could feel it in my spirit. In my heart u were and always will be my first love. The first person I allowed myself to truly get to know, understand and genuinely care for. when those feelings hit me, I knew that I was going to suffer emense pain as a result, but you seemed worth it. Somedays I say it was, others I say it wasnt. On the one hand I shed more tears and felt more pain than I had ever felt in my life. On the other hand you showed me that it was ok to be me, that I deserved love, and that I was capable of loving. For that aspect, I am greatful. I could've gone without the pain tho...

Part of me still feels like you and i are playing some game, trying to cheat time and destiny. Its nice to reminisce on occaision, but we have a lot of history. Its undeniable. I feel like parts of our history "dont exist". I feel like I was hidden away, and still am, from your real life. I dont like it. Second string was never something I liked being and for that reason alone, we never would've made it together. Even without excluding the fact that you weren't ready to really let yourself love again. Im not even sure that I was, but I was there, and was willing to try. You ran. I decided not to chase you. Believe me not chasing after you was more painful than the fact that you ran from me. I tried to keep moving in life but the fact of the matter was that the mention of your name used to make me want to vomit. Instead of loving me completely and being with me, you ran to someone else. Maybe I reminded you of love lost. I dont know, and I never will. All I know is that you turned up with a girlfriend, whom you never told me about and two years later you showed up with a wife, when you never told me that you were engaged. You kept secrets from me, thinking you were protecting me, when all you were doing was saving yourself from having to own up to your responsibilities.

Now why is that? A man who was on the up and up, in love with his wife and leading a happy life, wouldn't need to hold onto the past. In not telling me everything up front, you know you were just graspin at the past. But see the past could never be the present becuz ur present changed the way I felt about our past, forever changing our future. You were never really my lover. I enjoyed the simple moments in life, with you. Laughing, watching movies, being held. True intimacy. Use being fysikal was just a mater of time, but its what made the last breaths of life fizzle out of our relationship. I haven't looked at u the same since that day and I probably never will.

Somethings will never change. U are still my gymrat. I still love you, but my love for you has changed. I cant tell if I love who u r, who you used to be, or who I was able to be when I was with you. But i guess love is love. I dont know how comfortable I am with it, but in being honest with myself. Love remains

 

When I think about you
I can’t help but smile
The mere mention of your name
Raises my temperature 10 degrees
The sound of your voice
Has the power to calm and excite
at the very same time
Your lips are the softest and sweetest I have ever tasted
Your touch
feels as though your hands
were created to touch my body
Your arms,
created to hold and keep me
When we’re apart I count the seconds until I will be back safely within your arms
Your eyes pierce thru my disguises and see what lies beneath
I could gaze into your eyes forever
You have me spellbound
I am amazed
by your enchanting personality
Your beautiful brown eyes
draw me deeper and deeper in need
of being wherever you are
just say the word and I would gladly follow
My eyes can’t help but dance
when they are fixed upon yours
For I am looking at the most beautiful man I have ever seen
This is not by chance
You were created in His image to love me
Forever and always
You are the ruler of my heart
And I humbly bow to your power,
My King

I have run out of it in certain areas of my life. I am a business woman, a friend, a lover, a fighter, a writer, a singer, basically put, I am a woman of depth and many talents. No where on this list of attributes or characteristics does it say HeadHunter. I am not going to chase you. If I am trying to communicate with you and you are consistently failing to respond I'm going to stop talking. I don't care if we've been friends for three months of five years, there comes a certain point where the lack of communication turns into disrespect and disregard. Everyone has things going on in their life, if you are taking a break from people, thats cool, let me know and I'll give you some space, let you come to me when you're better. But just stopping talking all together without any kinda warning or anything, is not acceptable and I'm really tired of it. It just upsets me when I think about it so it, and you can become a distant memory. Maybe I'll have something to say the next time you call, if I answer.

Re-Cap

My 22nd year of life was an exciting yet heart-wrenching time for me but I can honesty say, despite all my frustrations, inspite of all the changes, twists, turns, and curveballs, I am happy. I fell out of love and then fell back in love with a different person. I have strengthened my bond with alot of my friends, I've even renewed some friendships that, for one reason or another, fell off. My health is consistently good. I have my moments where I relapse, but dont we all? Eventhough I am still on my quest for academic knowledge, I had my best semester of college ever this year. Hey Dean's List! I'm moving closer and closer to my goal of being an educator as well as getting closer and closer to my dream of buying a house. I may have lost a friend or two along the way. Spent countless hours in the classroom day in and day out. Put many miles on Betsy. Lost precious hours of sleep in the name of Love.Traveled to various family functions, weddings, graduations. I've written some of the best poems I've ever written, stories too. The point is, I've grown, I've changed, and I've matured. Isn't that the whole point of getting older? Becoming wiser and more mature? When I think about where i was and who I was a year ago. I was claiming grown woman status, this year, I truly am grown. And I'm not going to apologize to anyone for my growth. With growth sometimes comes disappointments. Allure, I am disappointed at how things played out. If someone would ask you, it would be my fault that things played out the way they did, If you ask me I'd say that things played out the way they did as a result of fours years fo craziness, secrets, and life altering moments. But I'll give you the time and attn you truly deserve, in another blog.

In conclusion, I am who I am and I do what I can do when I can do it. If that isn't enough for you, then we weren't meant to be a permenant station in each others lives. We were meant to leave as the seasons change. This is the begining of a new season. My 23rd to be exact.