Whoever said absence makes the heart grow fonder hit the nail on the head... Is it possible to have the one that was meant for you and to let them walk away without putting up a fight but fight for the wrong person to the death? Of all the things I regret in my life it is quite possible that I regret this one the most.
I feel like we're both attempting to throw time in reverse. Old habits die hard. Our level of closeness has drastically increased over the past month or so. I don't know what is going on or what to do about it but I have an uneasy feeling about the set of events that are about to take place. I don't want to cause problems in your life but there is something going on between you and I. Something I can't control; I'm just along for the ride and you're the driver.
Tell me what it is that has us communicating so much these days. What did I miss? What's going on? I dunno left from right or up from down right now. I feel like I've entered the danger zone. Release me from your tight grasp Distant Lover
History on Repeat We have so much history that it can be stifling. It's so overwhelming. And I'm over it. I'm tired of the back and forth. All I really want and wanted was to be happy. And I was that way with you, for a little while. I don't know what changed, how it changed, or why it changed but it did and I'm over going through changes with you.
I require something substantial in my life. I need to feel fulfilled and lack of this emotion has had me feeling some kind of way for quite sometime. I feel like I've lost years of my life because I wasn't able to let go of you when the time came. The time came two years one month and two days ago. That was when you took complete and total leave of your senses and decided that the things other people had to say were more important than what you and I were attempting to build.
Talk is cheap...I'm high class I don't have time for all of the excuses or being anyone's second best. I'm quality and should be number one or number none
i have been having a series of epiphanies lately. i dont know if thats good or bad; it just is. I have come to the conclusion that i create smoke screens and go after other ventures and different men because of my undeniable fear of the man i really want. fear can stop the bravest warrior in their tracks. i keep oscalating between telling this man how i feel and keeping my emotions to myself for fear of rejection. if i were brave this is what i would have the courage to say to him:
Superman,
I value your presence in my life greatly. We have been a part of each other's lives for a very long time. You've helped me through some tough times and I like to think that I've helped you get through some hard times as well. You're more important to me than I could possibly show you. I try my best but I'm almost positive the sense of urgency, the strong need to have you, couldn't be demonstrated with mere words.
Lately I've been feeling at a loss for words behind the way you make me feel. Up until a few days ago I couldn't quite put my finger on it but now I know what it is. Simply put, I love you. I know I tell you on occassion and you return the favor, but I'm not entirely certain you know what I mean when I tell you that I love you.
I love you means that I think about you constantly. I wonder how you are doing, where you are, and if you're alright. I means that I worry about you even when there is nothing wrong, I'm just all around concerned for your well-being. I sleep well and rest easily whenever you wish that for me. Your presence always makes me feel better. Sometimes you don't even have to fysikally be in the room; the memory of your presence is enough to ameliorate my mood. I smile from my spirit whenever I'm near you. I seldom get mad at you and whenever I do it's short lived because I look into your eyes and can't seem to remember what I was upset about in the first place.
I used to wish with all my might that you would love me. I used to not be able to tell whether or not you did or how much. Now I know for sure that you do. I don't question it anymore because I can feel it. I feel like I hurt you when I was in my relationship, not because I was trying to be happy, but because I removed myself from your life, for the most part. I never meant to hurt you, I just wanted to be loved and happy. I didn't realize that I was being loved exactly where I was. I had this preconceived notion that Love comes in this ordinary little package that is easily recognizable. I couldn't have been more wrong. You are love. Love is you.
I am afraid of you. I fear you because I love you. You see me, sometimes more clearly than i see myself. You always seem to know what I stand in need of. You are supportive of my dreams and goals and encourage me. You even get excited for me when i reach my goals, telling me that you always knew I could do whatever I set my mind to. All of these things are much appreciated and petrifying. You have the ability to elicit this wave of calm. Whenever we're together all of the outside world seems to disappear. Whatever was hurting me or making me upset or angry is left at the door and my spirit becomes at ease. I miss you whenever we're apart and would probably miss you if I never even met you.
Sometimes I pretend that I'm your woman and you're my man. When I get home at night you're already there waiting on me or you would arrive home soon thereafter. We'd have dinner together and cuddle up on the couch until it were time to call it a night. When that time came i wouldn't have to go to sleep alone anymore, you would be right there beside me. Your face would be the last I'd see every night, your voice the first I would hear everyday. I just want to be wherever you are. Allure to my senses. Dwayne Wayne to my Whitley Gilbert. Superman to my Wonder Woman. Body guard to my Amazon.
Whenever I try to tell you my voice just gets caught in the wind and somehow never makes it to your ears. I tried again a couple of days ago. I said that I wanted you for Christmas. What I should've said is that I want you, period. Even if it's just for one minute, if that's all that's left of you, thats what I want.
I'm
sure the magnatude of everything i've said has hit you hard. Some of
my words my shock you, others will just confirm what you've always felt
radiating from me.I just know that if I don't express how I really feel that I will regret it.
I pretend to be ok with playing the field out of fear of admitting how it is I really feel. The truth of the matter is that I would gladly commit myself to you if you wanted to commit yourself to me. Much like I felt before, I don't know if you would commit yourself to me if I asked for it.The fear of your rejection is paralizing. I feel like I will always wonder about all the "what ifs" of love and life if I never tell you how i feel so I'm telling you now. Right here in black and white. I love you, I need you, I want you.
Wonder Woman
himi don't know if its even possible to look someone in the eye and say all of these things. If I could I would've done so already. i would put this in the mail to him right now if I thought it would reach his heart any quicker. I'm still deathly afraid of making my feelings known. Maybe I will tell him, one day...
I am trying to get my mind together but right now my mind and heart are speaking two different languages. Who knew being bilingual could be so painful...
There is love and being in love. I did not fall in love, I'm just there. I live and breath it everyday. Always on my mind, carried in my spirit, the man that I adore. But lately this roller coaster, called life, that he and I are on has me nauseous. So I decided to throw caution to the wind and try another ride. Something more mellow, designed with me in mind. And I had a ball.
Good company, and good food turned my day at the fair into just what I needed. I needed for someone to take an active interest in what was going on in my life. I needed someone to check on me and make sure I was ok. And I needed a cheerleader. I found these things in the man I love, not the man I'm in love with. And it hurts. It stings so badly that tears well up in my eyes just thinking about it.
I want the man I'm in love with to be my biggest fan. But this weekend it was the man I love, Superman that came to my rescue. Loving him is, an interesting process. I've gone from love to hate back to love. And through all those changes he's been there. It's hard to explain the nature of our relationship and I no longer care to try. All I know is that today I needed rescuing and it was Superman, not Clark Kent that came to the rescue.
Question Existing~Rihanna Take off my shirt, loosen the buttons and undo my skirt Stare at myself in the mirror Take me apart, piece by piece Sorrow decrease, pressure release
I put in work Did more than called upon, more than deserved When it was over, did I wind up hurt? Yes, but it taught me, before a decision, ask this question first
Who am I living for? Is this my limit? Can I endure some more? Chances are given, question existing Who am I living for? Is this my limit? Can I endure some more? Chances are given, question existing
I don't know what it is that makes it so hard to let go. this is getting a bit ridiculous. i just want to be able to breath. i feel like everywhere i turn there you are. you're so inundated in my family that even though we aren't together anymore i still get asked about you. people still assume that we're together or on really good terms. truth be told we just got back on good terms. all i really want is some peace. of mind. of body. and of spirit.
I haven't been taking good enough care of myself and that needs to change. I'm wearing myself into the ground for everyone else but not doing what i want to do for myself. that is absolutely absurd. this week i finally started taking time out for myself and doing what i wanted to do and it feels great.
Today i decided to throw myself an independence party and only a select few will be invited. the gift i am giving myself is one that is very intimate and will not be shared with many. some will judge or make assumptions based on my gift, but that's their personal hangup. I am just fine with my new journey of self-discovery and self-exploration. If i don't please myself then who will? Who really cares more about me than they do themselves? See my list has been quite long, that list of people i would put before myself on a daily, when I should've been at the top of my list. How crazy is that?! I'm positive that i don't top anyone else's list. But how could I not top my own? Yes. Changes are in order. For the good of my mental stability. For the good of my health. and for the good of the world because if I keep getting the Heisman or crapped on at will by any and everyone because they feel like they can...then the world will be in a lot of hurt when i finally do explode. I haven't done so yet. But I will soon if I don't make some changes.
Ways to keep the world intact:
I have decided to take out some "me" time everyday. I don't care if its 20 minutes to sit down and write or read. i don't care what it is but something needs to be done
Dating myself. So just because I'm not in a romantic relationship I'm supposed to sit around at home all the time until I get a significant other? That line of thinking is played out and I won't give in to it anymore. So if it means that I date myself and take myself out then so be it. If it means that I hang out with friends then that's what i'll do. No more sitting around doing nothing.
Accentuating the positive. everyone has their ups and downs but rather than focusing on the downs I plan to focus on the positives. its so necessary.
I always come first. If I don't want to do it, it's no longer going to get done. I'm looking out for me becuz the list of people who are truly watching my back is quite limited. It is what it is, no beef, I'm just not going to over extend myself anymore
Standards. setting and keeping standards can be a very daunting task but it's one that I am going to take on head first. I can't stand wishy washy attitudes or goals in life. everyone is here for a purpose. fulfill your purpose and keep it moving. I no longer want people in my life that are just there. Do something. Don't just stand around taking up space. Actually serve a purpose, Sincerely Management
you ever have one of those days with one of those moods that you just couldn't explain?the day isn't good or bad, it just is and you just are.
ever have that one person that looks at you and it feels like they can see everything about you, from your head all the way down to your toes?that person who, somedays, knows you better than you know yourself. the one who knows exactly what kind of mood you're in based on one sentence on the im or the way you say hello on the telephone? well they say that everyone has one person who knows them inside and out. me, i've got two. i'm doubly lucky. it's twice as hard to hide away when i don't know how i'm feeling or keep my emotionz to myself when the situation calls for it.
just when i'm happily tooling along thru life, or unhappily tooling along but am just too oblivious to notice or to care, someone picks up this big etch-e-sketch, called life, shakes it up, and erases my picture.well that person that knows me well, has been playing with my etch-e-sketch for a while now and today, quite possibly for purely entertainment purposes, he picked up the etch-e-sketch and modified the picture. thankfully he didn't erase the picture,this time; i've had to start over more times than i care to remember or can even count. makes me wonder what his motivation was to change my picture today. i kno it started out a lil bit fuzzy today but fuzzy is better than gone altogether
Come Home ~One Republic Hello world .Hope you're listening.Forgive me if I'm young.For speaking out of turn.There's someone I've been missing .I think that they could be .The better half of me .They're in their own place trying to make it right.But I'm tired of justifying.So i say you'll.Come home.Come home.Cause.I've been waiting for you.For so long .For so long.And right now there's a war between.the vanities.But all i see is you and me.The fight for you is all I've ever known.So come home
i feel like the piece of me that's missing is the part of me that left when you went away. well you didn't really go away. u've always been just around the corner. but since you left my life in your emotional position of stature. i feel like i'm getting back to where I need to be for me. doing for myself. taking care of myself. and i need to keep moving forward, i can't sacrifice myself on the alter of your ego, worshiping at the temple of your desires anymore
Sideways~Citizen Cope You know it ain't easy.For these thoughts here to leave me.There's no words to describe it.In French or in English.Well, diamonds they fade.And flowers they bloom.And I'm telling you.These feelings won't go away.They've been knockin' me sideways.They've been knockin' me out lately.Whenever you come around me.These feelings won't go away .They've been knockin' me sideways.I keep thinking in a moment that.Time will take them away.But these feelings won't go away
try as i may. u just won't go away. i can't escape you in the day nor the night. these thoughts. these emotionz. these feelings won't go away. it feels like you're determined to make them stay. the thing is. i don't know what remains. somedays i am overwhelmed with emotion. others i can't verbalize or formulate thoughts whenever you're around. fysikally or expressly. u permeate my subconscious in the early morning hours. tossing and turning in my mind makes my body flop about and my stomach tie in knots. these feelings won't go away. they've been knockin' me sideways.
Chasing Pavements~Adele I've made up my mind.Don't need to think it over.If I'm wrong, I am right.Don't need to look no further.This ain't lust.I know this is love.But, if I tell the world.I'll never say enough,Cuz it was not said to you.And that's exactly what I need to do.If I end up with you.Should I give up.Or should I just keep chasin' pavements?.Even if it leads nowhere.Or would it be a waste.Even if I knew my place.Should I leave it there.Should I give up.Or should I just keep chasin' pavements.Even if it leads nowhere
i was so sure that this was it for me. my prince had come. i was finally in the right place at the right time then the foundation got a crack and it was all down hill from there. i spent the next two years chasin' pavements. it just didn't feel right. no matter how intense the feelings were. i was feeling them alone but i continued to run thinking that i would be able to catch up to the way that things used to feel. i finally quit chasing that pipe dream. turns out i was chasin my own shadow and reflection. the place where love should've been was the place where it was lacking. love starts at home. i fell out of love with myself becuz of all of the things i was doing and pieces of me i sacrificed to be loved. i'm out of breath and can't continue the chase. love knocked me down but i'm not out.
F-stop Blues~Jack Johnson Look who's laughing now that you've wasted.How many years and you've barely even tasted.Anything remotely close to.Everything you've boasted about.Look who's crying now
Bottle It up~Sara Bareilles I know that it's your soul but could you bottle it up and.Get down to the heart of it.No it's my heart you're shit out of your luck.Don't make me tell you again my love love love love. Love love love love.I am aiming to be somebody this somebody trusts.With her delicate soul I don't claim to know much except soon as you start.To make room for the parts.That aren't you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of.Love love love love.Love Love love love
i must make amends with myself for the way i have treated me. yes you ultimately treated me in ways that i didnt care for. but i didn't stop the pain as it was washing over me in icy cold waves that stung as though i had been smacked across the face with lightening speed. i've painted my heart black by not reassuring myself that i was special and worth a reciprocal love every day that i have walked on this earth. if i don't appreciate, love and protect myself how can i possibly expect anyone else to be that way, especially with my heart and my emotionz
Here Is Gone~Goo Goo Dolls
You and I got something/But it's all and then it's nothing to me/Yeah/And I got my defenses/When it comes to your intentions for me/Yeah/And we wake up in the breakdown/Of the things we never thought we could be/Yeah/'m not the one who broke you /'I'm not the one you should fear/What do you got to move you darling/I thought I lost you somewhere/But you were never really ever there at all/And I want to get free, talk to me/I can feel you falling/And I wanted to be all you need/Somehow here is gone
Apologize
Its my fault
that I couldn't be every where
or attend everything
because I had to work
Who could blame you
for being upset
that I gave my last dollar
so you could eat
even if it meant
that I would go hungry? How could you possibly
not be offended
that I would sacrifice
sleep and my health
just to spend some extra time
with you?
I take full responsibility
for leaving my sick bed
to solve your problems Unable to breathe
but standing by your side
holding you up
I am the reason you were stressed I literally made you sick I took life from you I took joy from you I took your spirit and painted it black
My soul was gone and my spirit burned
so I tried to take yours for my own And of course my going out
and working twice as hard
to support the both of us
must’ve been done in an attempt
to emasculate you
not because I wanted to be there for you
while you handled your business
I must’ve made you cry on a daily
To doubt your self-worth
Or importance in my life
To push you to the brink of insanity
Because I never showed you
how much you meant to me
I just told you and expected
That would be enough
I have no choice
But beg your forgiveness
And ask you to trust me
With your heart again
I know that I’ve smashed it into a million pieces
That you have to pick up
Piece by piece and re-attach them with crazy glue
But, You should still love me
Exactly the same
With the same passion and intensity
As before because
This is me
I apologized,
Wasn’t that good enough?
What happened to me being the exception to the rule?
You ever read something that was so unbelievablely sad that it made your eyes well up with tears?
I learn so much from reading the thougts of others. Young or old, big or small, we all worry about something. There is always "something" wrong with someone, some of us just hide it better than others but we all wear a mask.
It's too dangerous to take it down, there are too many people that wait for others to take off their cool so that they can capitalize on it...
Sadness I'm thinking you rule the world with an iron fist and a cloud of gray constantly raining down on the joyous and content to wash away their easy going nature and darken their spirit
Sadness I'm thinking you thrust yourself forward to discourage engulf and cage the spirit of a fighter until nothing remains but a lonely empty shell
Sadness I'm thinking that your search for new candidates to receive the gift of discouragement knows no age breaking the spirit of the young confirming the cynicism of the old
Sadness I'm thinking you enjoy being the grim reaper of emotionz that nothing makes you happier than pain and strife
Sadness I'm wishing that your blows wouldn't come so hard wouldn't come so fast wouldn't crush my sternum causing my heart to implode
Sadness I'm wishing that I didn't walk the streets and see your talents displayed in the eyes of many or see your handy-work in the form of hunched shoulders that heave heavily as sobs escape tear stained faces
Sadness I'm wishing that the sounds of comfort laughter and the pictures of encouragement smiles are enough for your dire extinction
Sadness I'm thinking I'm done being sad because of you
Currently watching: Hav Plenty Staring Chuck Baron
"On paper I am exactly who i want to be, in real life not so much. On paper I am completely trusting with my emotions, open and vulnerable without apology. On paper I am a whole person. In real life I am striving to be the person I am on paper."
