This year has had more twists, turns, highs and lows, than I've had in a while. I finally understand what everyone was saying when they say stay a kid as long as you possibly can. Things only get harder, more complicated and convaluded.
I am noticing somethings about the persons I have choosen to surround myself with. Family, you dont choose, friends, you pick and that why it hurts so much when a friend turns out to be something other than what you expected them to be.
This year has definitely proven to be a test all the way around. A test of my strength, loyalty, and pacience. I've got to say, if this is a glance into what is to come, Hippolyta is here to stay and she'll be here for a while.
I was finally feeling like I was really getting my life in order. I have a good steady job, while I'm looking to "upgrade" my employment this job keeps me fed, clothed and able to afford school. Once the job was secured that freed me up to focus on personal matters (oh joy). It was one thing after another, family wise, but thats another blog for another day (and no u won't be able to read that one).
The point is I graduated and hit the ground running, full speed ahead. I never got the chance to enjoy the fact that I have my degree because I was right back in school in the Fall.. Working fulltime and going to school full time put a serious damper in the amount of energy and time I had for anything or anyone, including myself. If you weren't a book, or work or school related, I didn't have a lot of time to give to you. This is not an apology, I'll never apologize for doing what I need to do to become established in my adult life, but I will say that I am aware of the fact that my lack of time caused some relationships to change. Knowing this, I worked extra hard to make sure that I still made time for those that I cared about, whether it equated to late nights and/or loss of sleep I was willing to do it to be with those that I call friend.
Looking Within
I was laying in bed one night, talking to my Sunshine(i'll get back to him in a bit) about the guy I used to like when he brought up my (then)ex. If you asked me that night would he and I ever be more than friends again, I would have adamantly told you no, who would've thought four months later we would get back together. But Sunshine forced me to look inside myself and discover what it is that I really wanted. I had remained friends with my ex and went to visit him as often as I could. I found myself getting worked up about things that went on in his life, like when he was hospitalized. I was so angry with him for not telling me, but more so than that, I was hurt. It hurt my feelings that he would be that off and would fight the urge to call me and tell me about it.
Pride and Ego
My pride and my ego wouldn't let me truly tell him how it felt that he didn't tell me that he was that bad off. I'm sure he had a good reason. He probably thought that it would upset me and I would've rushed up to the hospital, and I would've, but that what you do when you love someone. My pride still wont allow me to own up to things concerning him, but I'm gettin better. My ego however is getting in the way of my growth
Beware of Trendsetters
Ever since I've gotten back with my boyfriend, I've noticed things/people changing. Where are all my truly down for me folks hiding? What happened to those people who would listen to me for hours if I had a problem, those that would offer their support, or give a hug or two? If I'm having a family problem, work induced problem, or a problem with a friend, everyone in the world will step up and offer their advice, and their shoulder. If I have a relationship problem, everybody turns their body sideways, halfway listening. I don't know whether its hateration, inability to give sound relationship advice, or spitefulness. Whatever it is, is interesting and hurtful all in the same breath. Its not cool to call me up all hours of the day and night with problems that range from miniscule to national emergency, and expect me to listen but not to show me the same favor.
I'm seeing that a lot of people are not who i think they really are. I'm left wondering how many friends am I actually going to lose over my relationship. I've lost two friends who were really close because of my relationship. Some people might ask "well how are u gonna let a relationship come between ur friendships?" And I'm glad u did ask, I would say "Because I love a man who love me in a place that is truly indescribable. Because I am miserable when he's away or without him. Because he's been down for me since day one and has never faltered. Because he was my friend long before he became my lover. And because I don't throw friends to the wasteside, in life and friendships you adjust." Anyone who is willing to walk away from me because someone's role in my life changes, couldn't have really been too down for me to begin with. Fukk u if u ain't down for me like I am for you. That doesn't just go for my relationship, that goes for my life.
If you have all of a sudden disappeared on me as a result of my relationship, keep on stepping, don't bother coming back. I would much rather have a strong core group of friends who support me and my efforts of establishing myself as an adult, in all facets of adulthood. I need to know something, I need to know who is here becuz they want to be here, and who is here symplee becuz they got comfortable. If you're only here outta comfort then you need to pack ur emotional baggage and move on as well. I almost guarantee those of you that have gotten comfortable are causing more bad than good in my life. I'm seeing a trend developing amongst my "friends" and I don't like it.
Pacience
I have run out of it in certain areas of my life. I am a business woman, a friend, a lover, a fighter, a writer, a singer, basically put, I am a woman of depth and many talents. No where on this list of attributes or characteristics does it say HeadHunter. I am not going to chase you. If I am trying to communicate with you and you are consistently failing to respond I'm going to stop talking. I don't care if we've been friends for three months of five years, there comes a certain point where the lack of communication turns into disrespect and disregard. Everyone has things going on in their life, if you are taking a break from people, thats cool, let me know and I'll give you some space, let you come to me when you're better. But just stopping talking all together without any kinda warning or anything, is not acceptable and I'm really tired of it. It just upsets me when I think about it so it, and you can become a distant memory. Maybe I'll have something to say the next time you call, if I answer.
Re-Cap
My 22nd year of life was an exciting yet heart-wrenching time for me but I can honesty say, despite all my frustrations, inspite of all the changes, twists, turns, and curveballs, I am happy. I fell out of love and then fell back in love with a different person. I have strengthened my bond with alot of my friends, I've even renewed some friendships that, for one reason or another, fell off. My health is consistently good. I have my moments where I relapse, but dont we all? Eventhough I am still on my quest for academic knowledge, I had my best semester of college ever this year. Hey Dean's List! I'm moving closer and closer to my goal of being an educator as well as getting closer and closer to my dream of buying a house. I may have lost a friend or two along the way. Spent countless hours in the classroom day in and day out. Put many miles on Betsy. Lost precious hours of sleep in the name of Love.Traveled to various family functions, weddings, graduations. I've written some of the best poems I've ever written, stories too. The point is, I've grown, I've changed, and I've matured. Isn't that the whole point of getting older? Becoming wiser and more mature? When I think about where i was and who I was a year ago. I was claiming grown woman status, this year, I truly am grown. And I'm not going to apologize to anyone for my growth. With growth sometimes comes disappointments. Allure, I am disappointed at how things played out. If someone would ask you, it would be my fault that things played out the way they did, If you ask me I'd say that things played out the way they did as a result of fours years fo craziness, secrets, and life altering moments. But I'll give you the time and attn you truly deserve, in another blog.
In conclusion, I am who I am and I do what I can do when I can do it. If that isn't enough for you, then we weren't meant to be a permenant station in each others lives. We were meant to leave as the seasons change. This is the begining of a new season. My 23rd to be exact.
