July 11th 9:25am: eventhough I'm hurting, confused and frustrated, I still walk around thinking about you and saying that I love you...please lets fix this soon...

I really can't even fully wrap my mind around the events that have transpired in the past 96hrs.

120hrs ago, my life was great, everything made sense, I was so in love that conversations of the future, marriage, kids, moving, all felt natural. But today, I'm in an unnatural state of mind. I feel hurt and I feel disrespected. Eventhough we have talked and "resolved" our issues, my issues still remain.

We only fight about one thing, communication. I don't understand what is so hard about communicating with me, that you've made it to your destination safely. You are just as protective of me as I am of you, if not more. I just tend to be more vocal about it. If I had ever done to you what you did to me this weekend, and what you've done in the past few months, you would've blown up at me, worse than i did on you.

I guess my pacience ran out (about damn time) oh yea, Akasha is with me as well so she might be inserting her thoughtz as she sees fit. Part of me is glad that i blew the hell up at you this weekend (I would've done it a long time ago but this braud wouldn't let me). The other part of me feels bad for yelling (Funck that). So as u can see I am torn in more ways than one. But on the real, you've been wrong from the getty up, I just now went left when I should've went right. I just now lost my cool and spoke from my heart instead of biting my tongue. I'm tired of being the adult, the voice of reason, and the one with a conscience. I'm not saying that you dont have these things (*knodding head yes* U ain't usin ur thinker) but what I am saying is that sometimes you don't govern yourself as though you possess them.

Eye for an Eye: So if we treated this relationship eye for an eye tooth for a tooth, then the next two times you called me, I wouldn't answer (you damn right I wouldn't). I had actually thought about waiting for you to call me, and then ignoring your phonecalls for a while to see how you liked it (I was the mastermind behind that, and it would've gone perfectly, if SHE didn't love you so much). But it didn't take me long to realize that it wasn't me and that I wouldn't be able to handle it. The longer I would've let the lack of communication continue the less you would've cared about the situation when I finally brought it up.

Pride: I swallowed my pride and I called U (Where was I? Oh so now we're drugging bytches now huh? oh ok...I see how it is. we're gonna talk about this later). Thats not the way it was supposed to go. You should've called me 24hrs before I actually wound up calling you. I tried to give u the benefit of the doubt (I dont kno why) and try not to cause problems. But then I thought about it, 72hrs of fun and vacation, and you couldn't give me two minutes of your time to call me and let me know that things were ok (in case u didnt know, thats that bullshyt). So rather than you willingly giving me two minutes friday, I had to take about 15min saturday night (to dig in that ass) to try to understand what was going on with you. I tried to keep my cool, but I exploded when you told me that you didn't think about me (*looking for gun* bet u'll think about is if u got a bullet in ur ass). That not only hurt my feelings but it made me feel disrespected on so many levels.

The first was on the surface, when I go away I think about u, whether I'm having fun or not, I'd rather have u with me to join in the fun than for me to be having fun without u (make me yak). The next level was the fact that the statement made me seem like I hinder ur fun, like talkin  to me was gonna keep you from having a good time (ima smack the shyt outta u when I see u, believe that). The last level was more hurt I guess than disrespect but if you really see me that way, that I keep you from having fun, then why do you want to be with me. If I'm boring you, or if its like "prison" when you're with me, then how is it possible that we love each other?

Then the hurt turned into anger, becuz not everytime I spend time with you is fun, like when i'd sit at the desk with u (thats time I can never get back, I could've been out being a bad girl...) or when I drop what I'm doing to help you fix a problem, Or when I was out late every night for a week packing you up, helping you move, and keeping you company. Those times weren't fun for me (got the cut on the back of our leg to prove it) but I did those things because you are my friend, because you are my boyfriend, and because I love you (personally I think she's trippin, but thats just me). So when you make statements like that, it makes me wonder what i am doing with myself.

Why I allow myself to be hurt by your words, dont misunderstand. I dont believe u meant to make a hurtful statement, but you did and I'm still hurting. That one statement opened up a huge can of worms, and here I am trying to sort out the details in my head and my heart. My heart tells me that you love me in a place that is indescribable. My head says that my heart is right, but my temple needs to be scratched becuz if my heart is right then my head doesn't understand why communication is such a hard thing to do.

Reflection: I don't know who I spoke to on saturday night, sunday evening, and monday night, because it wasn't my bear ( yea where is that guy? I'd go away and stay gone if he came back). My bear writes me the most beautiful love poems I've ever experienced, not read or heard because your words come off the page and paint a picture,but an experience. My bear makes my face light up whenever I think about him. My bear is one of the goofiest men on the planet. My Bear's touch is electric, it sends a shiver up and down my spine every time he touches me, it is paradise. My Bear loves me so much deeper than i ever thought possible and he would never say a harmful or hurtful thing to me, he wouldn't be able to bare seeing me hurt. Whoever I spoke too didn't really seem to care what my feelings were. I could see the two of us, having the ugliest fights ever (and we will win becuz I...am a bytch). I realized this weekend that, If we never fight again, it will be too soon. I literally get fysikally sick whenever I think about fighting with you. Thats no way to be, its no way to live, and its not healthy. Im hurting because I feel like if I left it up to you, we would still be "fighting". I don't know how I feel about that (bring it on gringo).

Current State: So here I sit frustrated, and not knowing my left from right or my up from down. I don't know how to get the hurt off my heart and the notions of disrespect from my head. I'm starting to feel like anytime greek things come up I'm just going to get pushed to the side. And I don't like it (thems be fighting words). There isn't a whole lot that I push u to the side for, if anything. As I was sitting there last night, listening to you talk about your brand I was thinking, lord the monkey is out in full effect he's moving deeper and deeper into it I dunno if I can handle it; he loses himself in monkeying around; each time it takes him longer and longer to find Bear again; we are two different people.

Then you asked me what I was thinking. I wanted to tell you that I don't know who you are when you are around greek life, because it isn't you anymore. I wanted to tell you that I don't like being an afterthought. I wanted to tell you that I'm always there for you when something goes wrong, they're there for you some of the time. I wanted to tell you that you don't see me, because if you did, you would know that I am struggling getting used to the new you, you would see that I am crying on the inside while trying to be a soldier on the outside. If you were really looking into my eyes you would know that I don't ever want to be with out you, and that the fastest way to turn what we have into something ugly, is to continue to put your wants and desires ahead of mine or whats good for the both of us. If I turn into the person that you are, you would probably hate who I was in comparisson. U know that nobody else treats you the way that I treat you or takes care of you the way that I do, and nobody ever will, with the exception of mommy. 

I've been down for you since day one, and I intend to hold you down to the ground. But I need for you to hold me down. I need for you to be ok with calling me in front of your friends to check in. I need you to do what the poem says and tell the world that you love me, but more important than that, I need you to show the world that you love me. I need for you to not answer your phone if we are having an intimate moment. I need for you to sacrifice a party or two to chill out and relax with me. I need you to hurry and catch up, so that we can get on with building our lives together. I wanna be where you are and I honestly believe that you and I can do anything we set our minds to as long as We are in it together, nothing is stronger than our love, not haters, not temptations, not arguments or differences of opinion. What we have is heaven sent and I plan on cashing in on all our blessing. I would follow you to the ends of the earth, but i need you to walk with me, walk with me in love. I know the road has its bumps, detours, dead ends, and potholes, but we can get thru it, if we do it together. I don't want to feel like I'm the only one walking, that I'm walking and you're standing. I don't wanna hurt anymore.

Can we go back? Back 120hrs, where I was bouncing around the office, watching the clock and doing a serious countdown of how many more MINUTES it would be until I could look at you, touch you, hold you, kiss you, make LOVE to U? Back to looking into your eyes, holding you close, and thanking God for bringing you back to me, feeling like I was in hell on earth without you with me. I feel like he made you to love me, and we've been traveling thru lifetime after lifetime trying to get it right. This is right, baby this is the lifetime where we get to love each other until the end of time. i don't want anybody else, nobody else even comes close to holding a candle to you. I wish I could hook my heart up to the computer so that everything I'm feeling would come out of me and into the computer so you could read how deep my love flows, for you and only you. I want to go back to the goofiness of that day and own the fact that you are mine and I am yours and that nothing can break our bond. We cant even break our bond. I wanna go back to the basement and fall back to sleep in your arms. I want to fight to keep my eyes open, again, just a lil bit longer because the man whose eyes I am staring into, is the most beautiful man I have ever seen and i can't tear my eyes away, even for a second because I am so afraid that I'll miss it. What's it? It is the moment that you see thru my eyes, and feel, hear, see what I feel, hear, and see when I'm with you. I want to move to Atlanta or wherever the wind blows us to raise a family and start our lives. I want to go back to the night where I asked you why you stare at me, your words were so beautiful. I cried because I know that only you can touch that part of my soul or my spirit. That night I felt like you were with me when I went to sleep. Like you were right next to me holding me as we both drifted off to sleep. My love grows deeper everyday. Thats why I can't stand the bad times. I've had my taste of the good times. And I want to keep that feeling going, that higher than life, floating sensation. The way I feel everytime I'm near you. Symplee incredible. So can we? Can we turn all the clocks back 120hrs, skip the fight and make things right again? I just want my baby back. Will you call me and read me your latest poem? I love listening to your voice, it makes me smile all over. Can you go back to U and me go back to me and turn us back into we? Can we go back to dreaming together, of the day when you will be the last person I see before I go to sleep and the first person I see every morning? Can I hold you while you're sleeping and wake you with kisses? Can we fall asleep kissing or kiss until our lips hurt? Can we talk about our house, our honeymoon and pick out names for our kids? Can we get back to forgetting that anyone else exists but you and I in space and time? Can you stop time so that I can spend forever in your arms? WIll you look deep into my eyes and tell me that you forgive my tone while I tell you that I forgive your actions?

I'm hoping the answer is yes...

I seem to be having the toughest time this week, just functioning, and I don't know what to do. Feels like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't...

Right now I am one great big giant ball of emotion. Some of its my current environment, some of it's stress, with a twist of nervous energy. A good deal of it is attributed to Love.

I never stopped loving, Love. I couldn't. Walking away, was by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in life. Harder than graduating from High school or College. It took more courage than I knew I possessed, at the time. It took everything in me not to call you up the next day and every day that passed, 387, and tell u that I had made a mistake or that I missed you or that I loved you or just plain wanted to be near u, until we allowed the heart to overrule the mind, and become one, again.

If I had to choose a group of words that would describe you the best and what you mean to me, Love, I would have to say that "You are the perfect verse over a tight beat...".

Damn...

Perfect...Now that...is a serious word, but when I look at Love, thats what I see, perfection. Perfect sweetheart, friend, lover, and textbook nice guy. The kind of guy that you just want to be around, whose energy finds yours and creates a spark. The thunder crashes and the lightening strikes jump started emotions that I haven't felt in so long, possibly ever, that I just don't know how to stop the rain. The flood of emotion, the river of sentiment. I just want to pour it all over you and show you how I feel. But I can't. I tell you how I feel and I show you, but it's not the grand sweeping gesture I see in my mind.

Why is that?

It's so difficult for me to sit across from someone, look them in the eyes and say, Baby I love you. Its so much easier for me to put it into a poem or to find song lyrics that show exactly how I'm feeling.  It's so much easier to write, as it is for u Love, to express myself.

On paper I am exactly who i want to be, in real life not so much. On paper I am completely trusting with my emotions, open and vulnerable without apology. On paper I am a whole person. In real life I am striving to be the person I am on paper. I'm striving to let people in and not quickly cut them off at the pass because, they got "too close". I want to be able to let you all the way in Love. To places where no other man has been allowed to go. It's just that my heart is like a pyramid, where you wanna be, is in Pharoah's chamber, but you've got to wade thru all the fake rooms and passages that lead to no where.

My heart is the way that it is for a reason. I have become so accustomed to chaos in the place of love that I have built up walls. The thing about you thats so different, Love, is that you are worthy of being in my heart in a permanent station, and you are there. The thing is, I'm scared. To love you. I talk to you or see you or see a picture of you and my whole demeanor changes. The sides of my lips can't help but curl up into a smile. Your like a warm spring day srpouting up in the middle of two snow storms. A breath of fresh air. Something exciting, and new, again.

We've been here before but our "break" allowed the newness to return to Us. I love the newness, its like new car smell, a comfort and a joy all in the same breath. I am struggling to find my comfort zone in this "new" place. I might not find it for a while. I feel like everytime I'm with you I learn something new about you, something I might never know, if I didn't choose my words carefully.

When I look at you some days its almost as if I'm looking into a mirror of sorts. We have some of the same habits. We both keep extremely sentimental and emotions bottled up and stored away, hoping that the other won't tap into that region. Eventually we always do. And each time it happens its like being knocked across the face with the notion that somebody loves you in a place where mere words aren't enough to describe it. Thats how it feels when you tell me that you imagine me in your arms before you go to sleep. Or that you've wanted me for over two years and I don't even have to touch you for that to happen.

These are very powerful statements and I'm not always sure what to do with them, if anything needs to be done or if I should just let it sink in. To be honest it hasn't yet. But it has been a comfort to know that I'm not out here alone. That I'm not experiencing these intense feelings for you and they aren't reciprocated. When we "argue" over who loves who the most, I dont think it would even be possible to measure that to say who loves who the most. I think you may have loved the deepest for the longest, but I do believe I am catching up, if I'm not already there. When you and I are in your room the Love is everywhere, almost like its a blanket wrapping the entire room.

Thats part of the reason why I haven't wanted to go anywhere or do anything on the weekends. I have to share you with any and everybody during the week. When the weekend comes I just want to be with you, nobody else, just you. I look forward to it and am disappointed if it doesn't happen. I want us to be free to "not" watch five movies or stare at each other all day, whatever we want to do, as long as we do it together.

So if my face suddenly changes and I look weird but I tell you that I'm fine, trust my words not my face. I could just be having a moment where the severity and intensity of the love expressed between us just has me...Speechless. You haven't done anything wrong, all you've ever done is love me, for exactly who I am. You've thought I was beautiful and told me so even when I couldn't see it. You've done such a good job that now I'm convinced. I am beautiful and I am enjoying this new discovery.

I am not mad by any stretch of the imagination. I'm symplee afraid. I'm afraid of being vulnerable and allowing my emotions to show. I'm afraid of trusting you with my emotions, but I'm going to continue fighting the urge to fall back because you are worthy and deserving of my emotions, time, attention, and love. I haven't said it before but I'm saying it now, I'm giving it all up to you. Im not gonna run scared anymore. I bet you're scared too. I can't say I blame you, this is a very powerful and scary thing. But I'll put it out there. I love you and I'm not gonna risk losing you because of fear. I'm gonna tell you I love you a hundred times a day, until you get sick of hearing those words, because I love you that much, enough to tell you a hundred times a day. I'm gonna make faces at you, and do silly things to make you laugh and smile. I'm going to spoil you because you deserve it and we all need to feel special sometimes. I'm going to continue to kiss you until our lips hurt because that is the most common way that our passion for one another shines through. i'm going to do all of these things, everyday, without apology and live passionately without regret because I love you.

I surrender to you, Love

To some it's a day of love, to be spent with someone you care about or possible to reveal to a secret crush how you feel about them. To others its a commercial holiday used by greeting card companies and candy manufacturers to increase sales between Christmas and Easter. Who's right, who's wrong?

I am still undecided. It always seems to come across bitterly when someone says that they hate Valentine's Day. Yes often times the person is single when they say it, so there could be some bitterness involved, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and say that for one reason or another February 14th just isn't their favorite day of the year. I can get with that. Most people know I'm not really a huge fan of Valentine's Day. I've had some great Valentine's Days in the past and some really bad ones. Good or bad I don't really like what the day seems to bring out of people. I'm sure there is someone, somewhere confused by the aforementioned statement. In theory Valentine's Day is supposed to be a day to tell the people you care about them that you care, but I have a problem with the notion that this is only supposed to happen on one day. I think if you care about someone and genuinely love them that you should tell them as often as you possibly can, waiting to Valentine's Day to "make it special" is crazy to me. If you love someone and they love you everytime you tell them you love them is special because it comes from you...

Yesterday I heard from everyone who I didn't expect to hear from. The very first person to wish me Happy Valentine's Day on Valentine's Day wasn't even my valentine, it was one of my married friends. I know he meant well and he wishes me Happy Valentine's Day every year, but it just didn't sit right with me this year. I returned the sentiment and tried to go back to sleep but it didn't work so I called my Valentine. Talked to him for a little while then headed off to dreamland, hoping things would get better but they got progressively worse in my dream, but thats another blog for another day. I woke up to find that I didn't have to go to work yesterday but there was one catch...no electricity No electricity means no heat No heat means having to stay under four blankets just to keep warm

I tried to go back to sleep but I figured if i had another dream like the one I had the night before I was better off staying awake

Y3sterday I heard from friends, old and new, and those that somehow fall in between in the land of "What's your motivation". I'm the type of person who tries to treat Valentine's Day as if it's just another day on the calendar but I've come to learn that most people who hold a certain status level in your life expect to hear from you on Valentine's Day, not only that but they expect you to don your pink or red and be excited that it's Valentine's Day. I gave it a vallient effort. I wished some people Happy Valentine's Day and tried to stay even tempered. I was doing pretty well until I got a message from one of the last people I expected to hear from yesterday. Complicated Melody...u never fail to pop up at the most unexpected and inopportune times.

I don't get you, at all. I was minding my business had pretty much come to grips with the fact that you and I really weren't going to be in contact with one another, then you send me a message saying you care about me and hope I enjoy my Valentine's Day. That bothered the hell outta me. I had been trying to catch up to you for months. It almost seemed as if you picked and chose when you answered your phone. The conversations that we actually wound up having were pretty good but I truthfully haven't had a real conversation with you in months and that's because I stopped trying. I guess it's tru what they say, don't know what you've got til it's gone. At this point I don't even know that I can justify trying to be your friend. I don't care how busy I get I always make time or find time to be with my friends. To contact me on Valentine's Day and tell me that you care about me is pretty much a slap in the face as far as I'm concerned. You can't pick up the phone on a normal day just to say hello but you can contact me on Valentine's Day to tell me that you care about me???? I don't believe you. I'd like to be able to say that I want to believe you, but I'm not sure I can say that either. What I can say is that the next time I see you, you'll probably be happy to see me and smile at me and I'll have to fight with myself not to be a complete and total asshole. Not because you deserve my favor, but because I'm not gonna make an already interesting situation ugly by treating you the way i feel you treat me. So if our paths should cross again, which I'm sure they will, I'll speak, I'll be cordial but i feel confident in saying that I will no longer look at you the way I used to. I no longer feel like we are drawn together. You wanted to run from me and hide away so that I couldn't look into you anymore, well congradulations. You win. I will no longer try to look in to you. I won't vie for your attention or even care if you pay me any mind. I'm tired of the games so, I quit. You win.

Next year I hope one of two things happens. 1) That I'm in love with my Valentine and that I'm able to spend the day catering to him or 2) that I can ignore the day all together and treat it as though its a regular day. I tried that this year and it didn't work. Maybe I should've turned my phone off...but then that message would've still been waiting there for me when I turned my phone on this morning to go about my regular life. I would really just like for someone to tell me what's the good in popping up on Valentine's Day and saying that you care if you don't show it any other time?

So clearly keeping things that bother a person inside isnt a good idea. It does nothing but build and build and build until one day the person who has been holding back all their frustrations finally blows a fuse and lets all of the pent up frustration and anger come flooding out at the latest source of irritance.

Life is a matter of perspective and is all about choices. The good, the bad, and the in between. With that being said if I become frustrated by something that you may or may not deem to be worthy of having a fit over, I am well withing my rights to have a fit over it. Don't you dare tell me that I need to calm down, you condescending asshole! We all handle situations differently and it is not your place to tell me that my way of dealing is inadequate. I would never tell you that. I might offer you some suggestions or options but I would never demand that u stop what you're doing in an instant. That...pisses me off even more than I was to begin with.

It has been my experience that keeping things bottled up is a one way ticket to loopyville. I had no desire to reside in that place. Often times if I get upset about something small then there is really something bigger that I am holding on to that I havent found a way to deal with yet. Dont you think that maybe just maybe letting off little bits of steam every once in a while is better than completely blowing my top all at once.

Do us both a favor, let me manage my anger in my own way and I will show you the same courtesy. I try my best to just be there for you and and support the choices that you make. Try and do the same

All it took was six months and I have come full circle. Ive gone from not wanting to talk to you to talking to you all day, everyday. Somedays you are all I think about. Quite frankly I am a grouch without u. I have come to depend on having u as a central part of my life everyday, especially at night, that I dont know how to act if you're busy and cant "tuck me in".

Runaway

with me

my love

forget everything

all you'll need

is your mind

to survive

lets travel

to distant lands

and discover

each other

lets walk along the beach

hand in hand

sand beneath our toes

a gentle breeze blowing

to and fro

Lets run off to the country

maybe we could have

a picnic under the stars

waking up in each others arms

sun rising and birds chirping

Can we travel to Tuscany

and enjoy cappucino and conversation

until the coppery flecs

of sunlight

slowly descend

amongst the hills

Let's dance the flamenco

in Madrid

or go down under

in Australia

I don't care where we go

as long as you're coming with me

my distant lover

Last night was the worst night of sleep I've had in a very very very long time. My sleep was interrupted several times, and the time that i actually spent asleep was quite alarming.

The first dream I remember having was about my ex. It was like having an out of body experience. I was standing right in front of my ex, but he couldn't see me. As a matter of fact, no one could. Almost like I was a spirit caught in limbo or something. Anyway, I was watching him and he was going about his daily routine like he would any other day. I didnt understand why he couldn't see me and why I was watching him in the first place. I remember trying to call his name when this woman came out of the bathroom. Her face looked familiar but i was sure I hadn't met her before. She walked over to my ex and kissed him. The two of them got dressed and then walked out of the house hand in hand. It was a beautiful spring day outside but I was burning up. I got hotter and hotter as the day progressed. I was convinced that as I got hotter and hotter that steam was coming out my ears and my nose. I kept screaming my ex's name trying to get his attention. I tried knocking things over to startle him, hoping then he would be able to see me but nothing worked. I finally got so worked up that I just sat down where I was and began to cry. I caught a cramp in my calf which ripped me from my dream.

What exactly was this dream trying to tell me? The obvious translation would be that I want to be back with my ex boyfriend, and that would be incorrect. I am content having him as just a friend, we're much better at being good friends than attempting lovers. The next would be that I'm jealous at the thought of his being in a relationship with someone else. I would be happy for him if he found someone to make him happy, let's face it I tried and wasn't very good at being his girlfriend, but I'm great at being his friend. I think the reason I reacted the way I did in this dream is becuz he couldn't see me...it didn't matter what I did, singing, dancing, standing on my head in the corner...nothing I did could make him hear me or see me. And truth be told thats how I felt when we were together, that he didn't really see who I was and that he didn't really hear me. Ofcourse he could see me and hear me, he's not blind or deaf, but that he just didnt get it, or me...I guess that still bothers me. We are such good friends, it just doesn't make logical sense to me how the love and caring in a friendship cant or doesn't carry over into the romantic portion of a relationship...

The second dream disturbs me more than the first, symplee becuz I don't kno how i feel about what happened in it. I went out of town with a friend of mine, possibly one of my best friends now. We went on vacation. I don't know where we were or why we were there. All I can remember is the room we were in and thats becuz we spent most of our time in there. We had been on vacation together for about three days when the unthinkable happened. He and I had sex and it's freaking me out. We couldn't keep our hands to ourselves. We were just laying in the bed together talking, laying on each other. The next thing I know we were making out...which led to other things...quickly...These other things happened over and over again that night. When i finally woke up the next day I felt hungover and was just opening my mouth to comment on what had happened last night when...I caught another leg cramp and was ripped from my dream....

I have no idea why I had this second dream at all...maybe i had it becuz he and I have grown closer and becoming fysikally intimate is the next level of closeness we could reach together...i mean we flirt with each other but I didn't actually think that we'd have sex...

Right now really should be an exciting time in my life for me

I've graduated from college with a degree in marketing

I've started and new job which will be utilizing my degree. The women at my job are wonderful.

I am well on my way to becoming a positive and necessary facet of society

Yet I am unable to enjoy this new found sense of self and its due to the people in my life.

Theres so many things that I just seem to be having trouble with

Freaky T

I am stuggling with you the most out of everyone I think symplee becuz when I think of you I always just expect you to be there. You've been there since before I became an adult. It never crossed my mind that you might move away. The reason for your moving is great and I'm SOOO incredibly proud of you. I kno that you are going to blow the doors off of the Olympics. And I will be sitting there watching...most likely yelling at the tv...lol

I'm struggling becuz I've had a crush on you since the day i met you. And I know that sounds crazy but I have. I remember sterlind taking me out with him to go bowling with you and a group of folks from BSU. I remember standing on the outskirts of the group watching you. There was a girl there...if I'm not mistaken she was your girl or she wanted to be or something to that effect. She was little...petite just the way u like em...and she had braids in her hair...I remember thinking that you were soo sexy but that you would probably never go for a girl like me...After that night...somehow we wound up exchanging numbers and I remember talking to you all the time before I got up to bowie...you were my protector...a big brother type...still to this day i'm not sure if u could ever feel my crush on you...I tried to hide it as best I could...I'm still not sure why i tried to hide it then and why I haven't said anything to you now...Maybe its becuz I dont want things to become weird if i tell u I've had a crush on u for five years...maybe it's becuz I dont want my feelings to get hurt if u never felt the same about me...and i dont really think u ever did.

Sunshine

Touch me with a heart of Gold I cant go a day without my Sunshine...I used to feel that way...we got to a point where we were together several times a week...talked on the phone frequently...all of that...things were good...then you started having problems with "wifey" and all of that changed

I all of a sudden was expected to bare the burden of being your shoulders to cry on and i never really minded that becuz as far as I'm concerned thats what you do for someone that you call friend...what I do mind is how whenever she came a callin you went arunning to someone who I think is ultimately going to break your heart. I know she was/is wifey and everything but friends dont treat friends that way. I was really hurt by that becuz u did it repeatedly. More than that I was angry with myself becuz I continually let u back in and you continued to do the same inconsiderate BS to me.

The other day when we were talking and I told you that I was angry with myself that was part of my probelm. I was angry with myself for letting people treat me any kinda way and you were one of those people. Your moving could be considered a blessing in disguise becuz you just may have saved me from myself. Now I dont have to continually forgive u for doing me wrong becuz there is only so much you can do to me via telephone and text messages. I always reserve the right to hang up on you if need be. I used to doubt u could ever make me that angry or frustrated...but u just got beside urself when i talked to u on sunday and I strongly considered doing so. But its whatever...maybe i will stop calling you for a while and wait for you to come to me...there's and idea...

Allure

I dont even know where to begin accept to say sometimes I think I'm crazy. Most days I have no problem with you, no issues to speak of, no cause for concern. But those days when i do have issues with you...LOOK OUT!!! cuz its about to get superugly! I care about you on a level i never thought i'd reach with you...this thing with u was just supposed to be fun...we'd kick it...u'd come thru the room and we'd get our extracurricular activities up and let that be that...but I dont think u ever expected me to hang in there and go the distance...i can tell by the way you spoke to me in our early conversations...it sounded like u were putting up with me until the next time that u could hit...your words were harsh and spoken like i was a regular average person...i guess back then i was just a regular average person...with that being said it boggles my mind how u could fuck a regular average person and it not bother u...its tru what they say...women tie sex to their emotions...men dont...now it seems and feels like we've come full circle...i get sentiment from you...the majority of our conversations are agreeable ones...no real outbursts or disagreements...i dont kno if thats becuz i bite my tongue...becuz u bite yours...or becuz we really dont have issues...i do struggle with what role u are supposed to play in my life...not really what role do u play...but how were u meant to be in my life...I may never figure that one out...and u kno what...im ok with that...i guess all i can do is be there when u reach out to me...but ur being sometimey when i reach out for u...makes it difficult to grin and bear it to be understanding and to be ride or die for you...i dont get u...and by the things u sometimes say...u dont get me either...one thing i kno u do get about me is that i'm not happy and that i'm tryin to get strong enough to breakaway...i dont think i can end the fysikality of it all unless i go on sabatical from your life...i'll get to a point where i think i'm done being fysikal with u...where i think i can handle being near u and not wanting...craving...or desiring you...then i do something stupid like let you touch me...i feel that electricity all over again and make up my mind to play the "i can put it on u better than anyone else" game with u...so intense...so confusing...so frustrating...so exciting...so tiring....

Everytime I thought that was that man you call me right back...its the Allure of the GAME

We've been playing this game for a long time now...and you've told me that you aren't going to end it...so if I dont end it then when will it end...part of me is afraid to end it...i've gotten used to having u in my life in this capacity...there is next to no one else i want as much as i want you...and that makes me crazy...i've never had the connect i have with u with anyone else...nobody else's touch has been able to do to me what yours does...nobody can light a fire in my heart in my mind and between my thighs all at the same time...somedays i feel like i'm under a spell...in some sort of trap becuz i couldn 't possibly act this way under normal circumstances...could i? you will probably forever remain the man that i understand and connect with on a level that baffles me but a man that i cant understand everyday...in the grande scheme of things i get u...i understand u...i feel u...we are similar beings in a lot of ways...but sometimes i just cant get with ur logic...cant get on that particular train...But i love u baby...and u love me too...thats what makes everyday so damn hard...LOVE

Thank God for granting me this moment of clarity, this moment of honesty....listen close you'l hear what I'm about....Niggas feel my truth

Gonna break it down one by one so pay close attention (note: persons are not listed in order of importance in my lyfe or in order of how much you frustrate me...this is symplee a list)

Bear

I'm not sure if you are completely and totally clueless, if your not paying attention, or if you just don't care but, I am not one to be ignored and take it lightly. You can call it the leo in me "needing the spotlight" but I prefer to call it knowing my worth and refusing to be treated any differently than the way I treat you. Therefore coming into my presence barely saying five words to me then getting on your phone for the majority of the time that you are in my presence is not acceptable. Unless of course you had no intentions of communicating with me in the first place then feel free to ignore me and I will do the same to you. Don't however run after me, once u finally get off the phone, and attempt to hug me....smiling all up in my face. I'm not in the mood for all that...get the hell on...i dont trust anything that comes up outta ur mouth right now since you keep bouncing back and forth. You would do well to just give me my space to breathe...I'll holla once i deem it necessary to do so. And not a moment before that point....

mean?       possibly

harsh?      could be

necessary?    more than you could ever realize even if i took the time to sit down and diagram it for you

Moving on...

Compl!cated Melody

For those of you that check my blog on occasion...you will recognize that the last time i refered to this individual I seemed to be so much in love. Well looks can be and often times are quite decieving. I'm not in love. I wasn't then and I certainly am not now.

   That may seem a lilttle confusing but I'm going to explain myself. I am an extremely caring person. I don't necessarily fall in love quickly but I do start to care about people fairly quickly. As a result the long conversations had together and all the time spent last summer got me to a point where I cared about you and your general well being. I decided that I wanted to get to know you better. I finally worked up the courage to let you know how I felt about you and...... yea you did absolutely nothing about it. I get excuse after excuse for why you havent dont this and why you havet done that and to be quite honest, I'm fed up with excuses, including my own. I've sat around and tried to justify and make excuses for your actions. The truth of the matter is if you really wanted to be near me, around me, or talk to me, then you would. I wouldn't be the one having to call you and try to make plans. I wouldn't have to go along on group outtings with mutual friends to be able to see you. I would just be able to...we would make it happen....notice i said WE and not ME. So I have since decided to stop trying, which more than likely means you will contact me in the next week or so "just to see how i was doing"   

this entry got messed up...deleted oer half of what i've written...hard to duplicate emotions after time has passed

Sometimes I wish I were that

Cruel

Conniving

Lady-in-waiting

The girl that becomes

Your closest friend

Your confidant

The one to whom you run to join in your laughter and fun

She's also the one that you're comfortable enough with to grieve

To most she seems like she's just a friend

But in that position she waited

For the perfect opportunity to arise

To carry out a plan of his girlfriend's demise

She would wait patiently for a riff between her friend and his girl

Supporting him through the ruff tymes

While secretly hoping things would workout

So that she could console her friend

Trying covertly to sell him on the idea of her

Being such a good friend all this time

Why not give love another try with

Her

Conniving

Manipulative

Jezebel

The one who was so supportive

Always there for you

Willing to drop everything to talk to you, day or night

All the while having acts of treachery on her mynd

What's worse, outright betrayal or a jezebel?

She's in and out before you even realize that all the decisions made were not your own

Leaving a long term relationship for a friend

Deciding to men a broken heart with her

Jezebel

Out only to get whats mine

Played both sides against the middle

Biding my tyme

Waited patiently in the rafters

Now I have what I was after the whole tyme,

You are mine

And I am your

Jezebel