My first love

Talking to you this past week has done me some good. I am glad that we were finally able to take the time and have our conversation. It was good for us both to get out exactly how we feel for one another and why things played out the way that they did. It used to bother me when you'd tell me you loved me. I know what it used to mean when you used to say it and how it used to make me feel. But things have changed and u changed it, so I didn't understand how you could still tell me that you love me. I understand a lil bit better after our conversation. I knew things weren't going to work out between you and me. I knew it just as i knew i loved you and there was nothing I could do about it. I could feel it in my spirit. In my heart u were and always will be my first love. The first person I allowed myself to truly get to know, understand and genuinely care for. when those feelings hit me, I knew that I was going to suffer emense pain as a result, but you seemed worth it. Somedays I say it was, others I say it wasnt. On the one hand I shed more tears and felt more pain than I had ever felt in my life. On the other hand you showed me that it was ok to be me, that I deserved love, and that I was capable of loving. For that aspect, I am greatful. I could've gone without the pain tho...

Part of me still feels like you and i are playing some game, trying to cheat time and destiny. Its nice to reminisce on occaision, but we have a lot of history. Its undeniable. I feel like parts of our history "dont exist". I feel like I was hidden away, and still am, from your real life. I dont like it. Second string was never something I liked being and for that reason alone, we never would've made it together. Even without excluding the fact that you weren't ready to really let yourself love again. Im not even sure that I was, but I was there, and was willing to try. You ran. I decided not to chase you. Believe me not chasing after you was more painful than the fact that you ran from me. I tried to keep moving in life but the fact of the matter was that the mention of your name used to make me want to vomit. Instead of loving me completely and being with me, you ran to someone else. Maybe I reminded you of love lost. I dont know, and I never will. All I know is that you turned up with a girlfriend, whom you never told me about and two years later you showed up with a wife, when you never told me that you were engaged. You kept secrets from me, thinking you were protecting me, when all you were doing was saving yourself from having to own up to your responsibilities.

Now why is that? A man who was on the up and up, in love with his wife and leading a happy life, wouldn't need to hold onto the past. In not telling me everything up front, you know you were just graspin at the past. But see the past could never be the present becuz ur present changed the way I felt about our past, forever changing our future. You were never really my lover. I enjoyed the simple moments in life, with you. Laughing, watching movies, being held. True intimacy. Use being fysikal was just a mater of time, but its what made the last breaths of life fizzle out of our relationship. I haven't looked at u the same since that day and I probably never will.

Somethings will never change. U are still my gymrat. I still love you, but my love for you has changed. I cant tell if I love who u r, who you used to be, or who I was able to be when I was with you. But i guess love is love. I dont know how comfortable I am with it, but in being honest with myself. Love remains