Complicated melody….

Man I thought I was in a place where it didn’t matter what you said to me…I didn’t want you, didn’t need you, and if we never spoke again I would be good. I got to a point where I was observing military silence. I didn’t speak your name and I didn’t want to hear your name.

Then I got to a point where I was no longer bothered. It no longer irritated me to hear your name and I felt like I could talk to you again. Truth is, I missed your voice. I would call on occasion but for the most part, I would hit you on the IM. Instant messenger was safer. I felt like I could say more, like it was safe, and if I got to a point where I didn’t want to talk anymore, I had several easy outs.  

But then I decided to shoot myself in the foot and I hit you up last night. On the surface that’s not really a bad idea. We’ve talked since our “saga”. We’ve talked a bunch of times actually but we haven’t talked like this. This was different, and it was my fault. I decided that I wanted to make sure I had closure on all matters of the heart that don’t involve my baby. I thought I was done with you but I needed to make absolutely sure that no feelings still existed in my heart with your name on it. Complicated Melody. You would think that I would know that letting go of romantic inclinations for the one they call the truth would be an extremely hard thing to do.

I just had to ask. Needed but more so wanted to know if you had feelings for me. I don’t know why people insist on asking question that they already know the answer to. I knew you had feelings for me, so why did I ask that question? Maybe I wanted to believe that you had feelings for me. Maybe I needed to actually hear you say it because your actions and reactions to me were so inconsistent that I was in a constant state of confusion. I didn’t get it then but I think I get it now.

Re-cap. I liked you, you liked me. We were both afraid of what might happen but I decided that I was tired of missing out on the men that I wanted in my life and I came at you; HARD. Maybe that aided your fear of exploration and made it easier to run and hide. I may never know what really happened in your mind. What I do know is that I made you shy, and I also turned you on all in the same breath. I know that we were intrigued by one another and that we enjoyed spending time together. I know that I used to want to feel your touch more than almost anything…and you had no clue just how much.

So you answered my question with ease…yes you did have feelings for me. Then we proceed to talk about things a bit more in depth and you tell me that you were looking out for me. That you wanted to save me from you. That you liked me but you knew yourself and you knew eventually you would go back to being self-involved and hurt me. Well honestly speaking, I got hurt either way. I never put myself out there with anyone as much as I did with you. Never pursued anyone the way that I pursued you. I wanted you and couldn’t seem to get past that. Wrote countless poems, all about you, the way you made me feel, and I what I wanted to do to/with you.

Then you did something that surprised me; you told me that u missed kissing me. I couldn’t believe what I had read. The man who used to practically run from kissing me, and have an internal battle every time we were alone together, agonizing over whether or not to kiss me, actually missed my lips? I must be in the twilight zone now. But wait, if you miss kissing me, can you say that you did have feelings for me? It seems to me that if you miss kissing me, that you’re having feelings for me is more of a current affair than a thing of the past. It took me a moment to get my mind around this and figure out how I feel about it. Truthfully, I wanted you to want me. Hearing you say the words, used to be music to my ears. Knowing that you wanted me and never having you, was torture. So then I asked myself, if I were single how this would have affected me? I came to the conclusion that if I were single I probably would’ve tried to convince you to explore those feelings. Covertly ofcourse. I couldn’t just come right out and say well then we should get it poppin. It might make you laugh but it wouldn’t get me any closer to where I would’ve wanted to be. Delving further into conversation uncovered the fact that we both would’ve wanted to date each other. Making the way we felt so much more than a fysikal thing. I knew it wasn’t just me. I knew that what I felt for you was definitely mutual. My feelings ran deep.

But then I had to come back to reality because while it would be nice to dream as a single woman, I’m not a single woman. For someone like me, who absolutely loves kissing, I can hardly remember what kissing your lips felt like. When we were in the moment, and while I was healing, I could remember what faces you would make when you were trying to run from me and the soft and sweetness of your lips. But last night, I couldn’t remember any of it/ My vivid imagination was shooting out polaroids of white pictures. Faceless. For a lil while I tried to remember what it was like craving you. Then it hit me. The reason that I can’t remember what it feels like to kiss you lips or imagine your touch is because I am kissed on a regular basis with enough passion and electricity that makes the connection that you and I had seem like a power outage. I am in love, with a man who lights me on fire. My love for him has greatly overshadowed the love that I’ve ever had for any other man. Not only that, but it far surpassed the level of passion that I have exhibited for men in my past.

Simply put I’m crazy about him. At the time I was crazy about you. The two are on totally different levels. I wanted to know you deeper. To experience new things. To step outside of my box. All of those things would’ve happened if I had wound up with you. But one thing wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have fallen in love. We probably wouldn’t have lasted for very long and then I really would’ve lost a friend. Now that I’ve talked to you about all of this, I probably won’t ever need to have that conversation again. I got what I needed. To be truly free of and done with our saga; now I am.

If we so desired I really could just sit in the same room and be your friend. I wouldn’t want to kiss you or desire your hands on my body like I used to. I might even wind up looking at you like a brother. And that to me is wild. I used to want you so badly that on any given day I would’ve given it to you any way you wanted it, without thinking twice. Now I can’t even remember what it felt like to think of you that way. I can remember that you’re cute when you smile because your dimple shows. I can remember how you used to tackle me rather than say goodbye. And I can remember what it feels like to be in your arms. All in all I’d say that it was all worth it. I got to see a side of you that isn’t often seen. I got to spend time around a truly unique individual. And, I learned how to care for someone, with everything that was in me, again. In a way I kinda need to thank you. To thank you for making me vulnerable. Thank you for making me feel something for someone again. After my first love broke my heart I turned a little cold. So thank you, for helping me along the way, to falling in love with my baby. I know it sounds weird but that’s the best way I can put together what is going on in my mind right now. U made it easier for me to let him love me. And for that I’m eternally grateful.